Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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