I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I faked an abortion last night.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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