I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
