I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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