My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
