my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
