the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
