I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
