White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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