this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
