I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
