One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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