how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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