I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
