please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
dude i'm inner monologue high
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
