he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
