the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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