I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
