Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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