i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
