i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
