Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
