what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
