she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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