Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
