I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Vodka?
Forever.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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