The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
