Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
