two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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