remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
