i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
