so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
