Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
