The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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