I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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