haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
i need to put some appletini on your dick
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
