Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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