Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I checked into jail on foursquare
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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