2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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