Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
if i died would you start the facebook group?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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