my phone needs a breathalizer
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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