i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
