I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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