I wish I could teleport
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Four minutes until I can fart!
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
