also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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