I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
How does one acquire holy water?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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