I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
