There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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