What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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