If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
