god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
